he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
