My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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