There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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