I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
as a side note pls kill me
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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