just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I need moral support for this bender
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
