So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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