I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
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