I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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