my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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