I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
