I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
