you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
They should really pass out barf bags in church
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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