yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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