Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
