I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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