Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
