I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
