how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Randomize
