hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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