My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
