My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
