Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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