Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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