she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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