mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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