Your tits are I can't wait for
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
