He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
