Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
