I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
