I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
