OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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