I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
