I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
