Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
