We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
