It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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