Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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