No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
