Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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