I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
