She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
