Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
