There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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