Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
