i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
