You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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