I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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