Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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