I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The police scanner is talking about you again....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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