will power is for people who don't want to get laid
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
