Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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