The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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