remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
